Lying To Myself

I’ve been lying to myself. I’ve been giving myself excuses as to why I’m not having tons of wild casual sex or why I haven’t even dated anyone in the last 7 years.

The two most common lies I tell myself are:

-The ratio of dominant women to submissive men prevents me from meeting someone I’m attracted to. Women have their pick of the litter so of course it’s going to be an uphill battle.
-I’d have a better chance if I were wealthy..or at least a little less broke.

There’s evidence to support these as being true. Most of the dominant women I know in New York who are in relationships are with guys who probably make more in a year than I do in a decade. Can’t blame them of course. If someone has a choice between a great guy of modest income or a great guy who’s got cash, most would choose bachelor number two. Jut because someone’s wealthy doesn’t mean he’s not a good person. Plus this is New York. Wealthy guys are everywhere.

It’s an easy out for me to tell myself that it’s these outside factors keep me from getting fucked. The truth is, if I were really that great of a guy, my income wouldn’t matter now would it?

It’s not the fault of the women I’m attracted to that they’re not attracted to me. It’s my fault.

Hell I know I wouldn’t fuck me. Then again I’m straight.

A friend noted that I’ve been especially bitter lately. She asked where the guy she met when I first moved to New York had gone. She misses him. He misses her too.

The fact is I need to work on myself. I need to make myself more attractive to the women I’m attracted to. How do I do that? I have no clue but I’ve come up with a few ideas.

-Start wearing Old Spice. (It worked for my dad)
-Gain some weight by working out more than twice a week.
-Get a better job.
-Quit my bitching.

That’s all I’ve got so far.


Keeping the bitching to a minimum or limiting how far it travels goes a long way, not so sure about the Old Spice.

Y’know, I wasn’t really interested in men at all for the last couple years, and then someone said to me that my profile picture made me look miserable on this online dating site. “Your writing doesn’t sound miserable. Are you miserable? You sure come across that way.”

Great kick in the ass. Since then I try to consciously project something less caustic. Heh. Even, dare I say, I go for happy?

But what you project makes a huge, huge difference. The better women (ie the ones a smart guy like you’s probably into) WILL pick up on it. It’s like the bug zapper of romance. I call it the Early Warning System for broken men — guys who seem unhappy and bitter and who might want to use me as a fix-all, when I know I’m anything but, since I’m just a girl looking for a guy.

Know what I mean?

It’s made a difference, for sure. Now if *I* wasn’t so broke and could go places people I’d like to fuck happen to be, I might have even more luck.

But fortunately I’m female so I can dupe boys into treating me. I love old-fashioned guys.

Old Spice? nononono. you’re missing the keyword there: your DAD. I associate Old Spice with men of my fathers generation, and it’s always a turn-off.

The btter job and gym things should be for -you-, not to reel in a woman.

You need to start believing that you are the guy that the women you’re attracted to. All the things that you mentioned are artifice. Things you think they want. And sure they all might help, but I know I’ve said it before the biggest thing working against yourself is you. Think Lilly kinda started to hit on it. If those things are good for you and will make you feel better about how desirable you think you are to women then go for it. But I bet if you believed in you more and put yourself out there more confidently, and not make the excuses up from the start, you’d probably be more successful.

Bu you’re steps in the right direction my friend. Admitting that you’ve been lying to yourself is a huge hurdle.

I like the Old Spice, so maybe it’s a split battle.

I’m with Mark and Lily on improving yourself for yourself, though. I think you know my feelings on this. And honestly, not only do you probably need to spend a bit more time thinking about improving yourself in ways that genuinely benefit *you,* you also need to start thinking about how you project to the world.

Start with this blog. Does this thing actually represent you the way you want to be represented? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. But it does affect how people treat you, as does your presentations in other mediums/face-to-face.

I’ll send cologne, ok.

Go talk to women. That’s how I do it. I’m a broke-ass grad student with no job prospects and I do just fine for myself. Why is that? I’m not better looking than you, you’re taller than me, you’ve got the kind of voice that make women tingly, and yet at the end of the night, I get the girls and you go home and clean your apartment on a Saturday night. Why is that? I’m not rich, I’m not smooth, I’m not the hottest guy in the bar, I don’t go to the gym, I don’t wear old spice. I’m not ugly, but I’m not Brad Pitt, either.

Oh, but I do talk to women, and when I do so, I do start to touch them physically over the course of a night to see if there’s any interest or spark. About half, maybe three quarters of the time, there is. And I do enjoy the conversations, and we banter, and we both have fun and if we’re not having fun I walk away. Have you tried that?

Also: casual sex is often depressing. Making out with random girls is kinda fun, but casual sex isn’t what it was in the 70s.

Also: You’re in NYC where the single woman to single man ratio is 2:1.

Also: “Quit my bitching” is a good aspiration, how about “stop complaining and start experimenting.” Clearly, bleating here isn’t getting you what you want. So – what do you want? What can you do today to start getting it?

I’m going to echo what was already said about the job and the gym. Those kind of changes should only be made for you, not for an imaginary woman you haven’t met yet. But it sounds like a plan. And sometimes just having a plan can change your outlook. Good luck!

Why don’t you start experimenting with cologne. You’d get to meet and chat with lots of lovely women and eventually find a scent to draw interested women your way.

Old spice made me smile and feel happy with memories of my grandfather.

Posting the previous comment reminded me of an interaction I had at the beginning of August. I was in the perfume dept of a store looking to try one when I caught the eye of a man. He invited me to give my opinion on the cologne he was trying. I took his hand and held his wrist to my nose and we flirted over my response. If his completely embarrassed red faced teenage son hand not been standing next to him we could have continued our mutually satisfying encounter.

This week I was absolutely floored by the smiling eyes of a young man, if nothing else cultivate smiling eyes they are to die for.

What Badman said.

To which I’ll add that I think most people who are comfortable with their sex life actually WOULD fuck themselves if given the opportunity. I’d say most of my attempts at online dating profiles are basically just asking for a male version of me, come to think of it. Self-love (and I’m not referring to the onanistic kind) is where it starts, babe.

Also, just so you know, having a job you hate that pays you more money isn’t going to get you a girlfriend. Being a miserable nonsmoker isn’t gonna get you laid either. Feeling good about what you’re doing and who you are is what attracts the kitten.

I second Troy’s “feeling good about what you’re doing and who you are” comment.

People are attracted to confidence. You’re not too skinny or too poor, you’re just too down on yourself and negative and desperate.

I know you don’t feel confident, but at least try faking it a bit. Before you go out to places where you’re going to meet women, think about positive things (ie all the reasons a woman should want to date/fuck you) and try to cultivate an optimistic, relaxed attitude, even if it will only last a little while.

And try not to be thinking things like “I could die happily tomorrow if you fucked me tonight.” ‘Cause it probably shows.

I’d fuck you. Of course, I’m a switch, so I probably don’t count.

And I’m gonna have to agree that Old Spice rocks.

A lot of people have given you some good advice here. I’ll just add that I agree that it seems like the thing that works against you the most is your attitude.

Confidence, or at least a veneer of it, is very important in the dating game. So is putting yourself out there, going to events, and experimenting with talking to and flirting with women. It isn’t always going to work, but if you don’t actively try, it’s never going to happen. Practicing (even on women who you aren’t interested in) really does help. The more you do it, the more natural and comfortable it will feel over time.

I know that many people have mentioned that you should “stop bitching” or variants thereof. And you should. You get a ton of notice here – and from the exact women you are looking for. While I understand the desire to be honest and get advice, more consideration to the face you publicly put forward could really help you. I’d bet that your blog is the best “personal ad” you are ever going to have.

But I don’t think that “quit bitching about it” sums it up that well. I think everyone has sympathy for having trouble finding a partner…because everyone has had challenges finding a partner, at least at one time or another. (Almost) everyone has trouble finding the right person for them. Even hot dominant women in New York. It’s not really because of statistics, or numbers, or how attractive you are, or whether you wear cologne*, or work out enough, or (fill in blank). These things might be factors, but gosh, you know, there’s hundreds of factors that make two people compatible – you can’t narrow it down to one or two things. I think if you stopped trying to blame the difficulty on something, you’d go a long way to stop alienating dominant women who might otherwise be interested. No one wants to hear that they don’t exist, or that *they* must have no trouble at all finding any partner they might possibly want.


*Women do like scent, but Old Spice has too many fatherly connotations for a lot of women. Pick something more modern.

Lots of good advice here. But bitching isn’t too bad, in itself. Life would be boring sometimes if we didn’t bitch 😛

Ok, I’m exaggerating. But I do agree very much with the attitude thing, and the working on yourself thing. You gotta love yourself, plain and simple. And believe me, I know what I’m talking about. I don’t really love myself, and it sure is making my life miserable. Worse part is, I’m doing it to myself. But, as I’ve often told Boy Toy when we discuss this, I can’t change this with a snap of my fingers. Unfortunately.

I think it’s very true that people are attracted to confidence. Maybe that’s the thing about men with money? Maybe somehow, they feel more confident because they have money? Just throwing ideas your way, here.

And finally, I really like AlmostMagic’s advice:

“I know you don’t feel confident, but at least try faking it a bit. Before you go out to places where you’re going to meet women, think about positive things (ie all the reasons a woman should want to date/fuck you) and try to cultivate an optimistic, relaxed attitude, even if it will only last a little while.”

Because I believe that if you fake it long enough, it’ll become the real thing.

I really know what you are talking about.

I have been blogging about the misadventures in dating D/s land myself from the perspective of the female Dominant but I gotta tell ya Axe – it ain’t all roses over here either…

We DO NOT have our pick of the litter.

Finding a nice, normal, sane, appropriate kinky guy whose kink also happens to match yours, wants a relationship is extraordinarily hard to find.

I date ONLY submissive guys. I get told what a great Dominant woman I am, how people are so surprised I am single, and even before I also was embittered the subs would profess how devoted and in love they were to me and how quickly they would be gone.

On average it goes like this : I go out with sub guy. Sub guy immediately falls in love with me by second date while I stay relatively cold and neutral yet still willing to go on second date. By second date they are usually putting the title of being “mine” upon themselves which I am telling them they cannot have. A third date never seems to roll around and they either tell me they can’t serve me anymore or just never respond again to emails or text messages. It’s too weird for words.

So you aren’t the only one it happens to. And it is literally driving me crazy I think as evidenced by the peculiar behavior that I have started engaging in that is also documented on my blog.

just had to weigh in for old spice. Love that stuff! Ironically Axe and Tag smell like highschool to me even though I don’t think they around when I was in highschool.

I suppose you could try wearing a BDSM item discreetly? A discerning domme woman ought to notice :-). Or wear a pin badge with suitable code words on it?

Good luck 😉

“Start wearing Old Spice. (It worked for my dad)”

I almost choked to death laughing. Worked for my dad, too! I love Old Spice.