I’ve Been Asked To Talk

Yeah, as if I don’t express myself enough right? A blog, a podcast and now I’ve been asked to take part in a discussion.

Don’t worry, I won’t be yapping alone. A few other people have been asked to be in the TES discussion on June 23rd as well.

Here’s the description: The 30-40 Wasteland: “The BDSM community doesn’t lack for members of the older set. TNG too thrives. But what happened to our members between 30 and 40 (give/take a couple of years)? Is there a reason that this population is scarce and what can we do to bring them out more? Join us for a discussion and hopefully suggestions for a solution.”

Yikes, that’s a big topic. The problem is that I could blabber on and on about why this is true and still not give you the reason why.

I really have no clue. I know that I only go to a few events these days. Certainly fewer than I used to. Is it because I only see the same people over and over and while I like most of them, I’m looking to meet new people? Is it because most of the women into BDSM won’t ever consider themselves in “the scene”? Has the internet made it easier to meet people without needing to go to a club or event?

One theory I’ve heard is that people will explore in their 20’s, settle down in their 30’s, then get divorced and want to explore again in their 40’s.

I have no clue but if you could leave a comment or shoot me an email with your theory I’d love it. The more the merrier, maybe I’ll bring up your comment at the discussion.

If you can make it to the discussion please say hi. This will only be the 2nd time I’ve been on stage with a group of people as part of a discussion. I have a tendency to feel like I need to entertain and therefore make an ass out of myself.   

I’ll try to curb that desire.


My experience, as a woman is this: In my 20’s I was exploring my sexuality, figuring it out and honestly BDSM was a “scary” concept, one that I wasn’t quite mature enough to admit I was interested in – and I was in my 20’s before the Internet was mainstream so there wasn’t a lot of accurate information available on the topic nor the opportunity of meeting people online.
By 26 I was married and by 28 I was a mother.
As a woman the event of becoming a mother KILLS sexual exploration, at least in the beginning, until women realized they can be sexual women AND be good mothers. Most women I know, including myself, no matter how sexually active they were before becoming a mother start believing you can’t be one AND the other.
As it happened I divorced in my mid-30’s but I had begun BDSM and D/s exploration with my ex-husband in my early 30’s because a) I figured out I could and that it didn’t make me a terrible mom and b)I had become to realize I was a sexually different person in my 30’s than in my 20’s and I wanted to explore that more fully.
Now, being 38, I am confident in being a mother, completely comfortable in my own skin and have not only embraced my sexuality but figured out how to express it in a way that gives me the most pleasure/joy/happiness.
Also, between 26 and 33, I was focused on finishing my education, securing a career, starting a family (then raising my son), purchasing a house and a million other things that one does when “starting out”.
Once the details of my life’s foundation were in settled then I was able to focus more on myself, including my sexuality.
Interesting topic 🙂

As someone in that age range, I think between 30-40 you’re either at home with the baby or you’re at work and those of us who are single and childless and willing to sacrifice a sick day or two in the name of play are discouraged by the lack of our peers out there.

I agree with Miss Jaye. I spent my 20’s exploring who I was, and I spent it with a long term boyfriend. The relationship broke up in my 30’s; and then I discovered my kinky side.
I’m only 36, but it’s difficult finding men my own age. Most are married in open relationships. I’ve been exploring my switch side. It’s opened me up to more men.


I’m in my twenties, so can’t offer any personal reasons, although I have played with a wide age range of folk. This is London, however, might be different across the pond.

A lot of the 30/40 folk that I’ve played with are more “settled” in their lifestyles, whether it’s having a family that means they are more home/private players or that they have their partners and their own setup and just aren’t really looking for anyone.

That said, my partner is in his mid 30s, and we’re both pretty active!

I’m with Tilda: most people in the 30-40 age range have young kids to take care of. And personally, I can’t imagine continuing to play as a mom (reason #461 that I won’t spawn.)

“The scene” is still pretty after-hours: you have to be able to leave your house at 10PM and slink back in at 3. That works if you’re childfree — either because you don’t have any yet, or they’re now grown — but most of those people are in their 20’s or 50+, respectively.

Maybe there could be parties that are designed to be parent-friendly? They could start earlier and be on non-school nights.

I think it is a really good question. I think one’s 30’s are often marked by trying to find a mate if you don’t have one already. When I was in my thirties I was actively looking for a girlfriend and I knew that I was kinky and submissive. But I did not seek out public parties, munches, classes, confabs or other venues where I could meet compatible dominant women. Mostly, I sessioned with pros and tried to convince otherwise vanilla women that my kink was cool. I suppose there was less of an “out” scene in the 80’s and I guess I could blame that.

But maybe, some people who explore D/s in their 20’s, 40’s or 50’s (dare I say 60’s?) have trouble believing in their 30’s they should commit to a lifestyle D/s marriage/relationship. It’s a significant decision to define at least part of yourself as needing play in an on-going way. In your 20’s life stretches out before you. In your 40’s and 50’s you begin to both compromise and go for what is really important. But maybe in your 30’s some people hedge their bets and don’t really go for it. So there are fewer thirty somethings at scene-ish events.

Is that like, way too long and convoluted??

Being 35 and definitely in the scene, I’m sorry I missed the discussion. I think, though, that there is a difference between being in the kink social scene and being an active member of TES. I have my opinions about the matter, but I’ll wait until I see you in person to disclose.