I Don’t Know What I Did

These last couple of weeks have been rough.

I wish I could blame it on some outside source, point to something or someone to blame but the fact is it’s all in my head.

I’ve been struggling these past few weeks on the fact that I’m unable to give Sade things I’d like to give her.

I’d love to take her somewhere on vacation instead of needing to have a stay-cation, I’d love to be able to take her out to dinners, I’d love to be able to provide her a place to live where we could walk around our block and not worry about our safety.   

I need to say at this point that I know these are first-world problems to have.   Whenever I’ve felt down about it I eventually remember that, while I haven’t had a raise at my current job in over 6 years, at least I have a job. I’ve got a number of friends who can’t even say that.  

It’s important to note that these aren’t things she’s asking for.  She’s so understanding and didn’t even flinch when I told her I didn’t think I’d be able to afford to take her on a vacation this year even though last year I sad “hopefully next year”. 

Still the fact that I know she could easily find a guy who could give her all of those things and more makes me feel….guilty.  Almost like, in our relationship I’m the one getting the better deal. 

This snowballs, making me feel insecure and just down in general. 

And through all of it she remains supportive, tells me she doesn’t need expensive things and tells me she loves me and always will. 

I don’t know what I did to end up with her.

So I’m trying to not mope about it but turn my frustration into some energy that will bring a better life for us in 2013.  What is that?   I have no idea but I’m going to try and find it.

5 Comments

I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t have the extra income to pay for even my plane ticket to go see my boyfriend/sub, so he has to spring for it every time. As the dominant partner, I feel a bit like I’m failing. Yes, I have a job, and my bills are paid, and no one is starving, but I don’t buy into the “your sub should support you” mindset (although in 7 months he WILL be supporting me until I’m out of college, so 4+ years).
I think in ANY relationship, when you can’t give your partner the things you want to give them, there’s a sense of failing, of not quite living up to who and what you want to be.
In D/s, the subs want to give all that they can to their doms, and the doms want to give all they can to their subs, and in an already-unbalanced relationship, one person being less fortunate financially, or being the only breadwinner, can make things feel off balanced even more, or in the wrong way.

Or something like that. I feel like I’m failing at communication tonight. In any case, just wanted to say you aren’t alone 🙂

Regardless of how Sade feels about it the result it doesn’t alleviate the strain on you.

Being in a job that doesn’t choose to reward you in a reasonable tangible manner can have a real effect on your self worth and self consideration. Being forced to choose between that infliction or the fear of finding a risky new opportunity would put stress on anyone, assuming changing jobs is even an option.

I have also been stuck in that situation recently and am fortunate my partners occupation allows a much better standard of living. I hope that it improves and your loyalties to the business and Sade are rewarded in the relatively near future.

Mark (aka Raven in NYC) June 8, 2012 at 11:30 am

Beauty, love and caring are currency that buy much more powerful things than the dollars do for vacations, etc.

I know his is not really going to help, but can I understand what you´re talking about! Bot the situation you are in and the way you can´t help what your feelings about it are.
(We have just moved to a diferent country to be able to afford things like going on holiday, and while I was lucky to get a well-paid job it also means that my husband is currentlydependent on me and taking care of our little daughter, so this is going to take some adjusting to. Can´t really tell if this is likely to affect our sex life, because we still haven´t found out how parents with toddlers are able to have one.)
And as to what you did – whatever it is, it seems to me from what I remember from your blog that you spent a lot of your grown-up life trying so hard to do it. It´s great to know that it has worked out well for someone!

I think you are lucky to have Sade and she is also lucky to have you, since with all this circumstances you still want to give the best for her. You’ll hit the jackpot soon and will be able to provide for her, just keep going..

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