sarcasm

KinkForAll: The Presentations I Won’t Be Doing

· March 5, 2009 · Events, Thoughts · , · 5 Comments

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Don’t forget KinkForAll is this Sunday the 8th here in sunny New York City. You need to sign up! Go…Click the link now!

I have it on good authority that all the cool kids will be there.   

There are more than 70 people signed up to attend, It looks like there will be presentations on topics that you may not find at other events.

I was debating on doing a presentation but after running my list of possible topics past a few friends, I’ve decided to just help out.

Presentations topics that my friends rejected for KinkForAll:

-Smurf-tastic: Why talking like a Smurf during sex turns women off.

-“Can I lick you..you know..down there?” and other failed pick-up lines.

-I triple-dog-dare the women from the Victoria’s Secret catalog to have sex with me. Note: Presentation only open to women in the CURRENT catalog, there’s simply not enough space at the event for every woman who’s ever been in the catalog.

-A partial list of women I’ve slept with in previous lives: 1683-1750

-A partial list of women I’ve slept with in previous lives: The Industrial Revolution: How inventing the steam engine got me laid.

-A partial list of women I’ve slept with in previous lives: The Civil War years

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-A partial list of women I’ve slept with in previous lives: How Beatlemania resulted in a dry spell.

-A partial list of women I hope to sleep with in this life. Note: If you’re a woman and go to my presentation, I’ll assume you’re only going because you hope to be on the list and you’ll be automatically added to the list.

-Things I think about that aren’t sex-related. Note: This presentation will focus mainly on Apple Computer products. For the presentation on Battlestar Galactica, please see the following presentation.

-Battlestar Galactica: How I want to be double-teamed by a six and an eight.

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So there you have it. After months of research, printing out the flyers, calling the booking department of both Victoria’s Secret and the Sifi Channel as well as buying time on the History Channel, I’ve been urged by my friends to not present any of these. I’m sure the other presentations will be very good despite their lack of references to my sex life.

Hope to see you there!

Suspending My Campaign…For a Domme

· September 26, 2008 · Thoughts · , , · 10 Comments

My dear readers,

Upon the sudden (or seemingly so) financial crisis, I’ve decided that the country needs my help and I simply cannot continue looking for casual sex while the wealthiest Americans aren’t making as much money as they were before. Granted, they’re still making more money in a month than most Americans will see in their lifetime, but it’s just not fast enough. I’ve heard horrible stories of rich white men who have had to sell their vacation homes or who have had to settle for dining out at Per Se only twice a week. It’s because of this crisis that I’ve decided to suspend my campaign for kinky sex.

Oh I know, you’re going to say that I looked at the poll numbers and found that a majority of dominant women have no interest in erecting me for their pleasure. This could not be further from the truth. This isn’t some gimmick where I’m hoping that women everywhere will see me putting country first and begin to swoon.

Others might say that I’m simply giving up because I’ve realized that I’m just not that attractive and therefore have no hope in finding someone. I couldn’t disagree more. The fundamentals of my sex appeal remain strong. Despite evidence to the contrary and despite what everyone says about me, the fundamentals of my sex appeal remain strong.

I know many of you read my blog and enjoy debating the various aspects of my failed attempts. While I enjoy a good debate, we must look to the greater good and put all debates on hold. Please understand that this doesn’t mean I’m not prepared for a debate, nor does it mean that I’m worried that another debate would decrease my chances of winning the affection of a woman who would elect me to worship her body.

I plan on suspending my campaign until I’m confident that the economy is stable and strong once again.

Or until I have the opportunity to have sex again.

Hey, I don’t love my country THAT much.

How To Approach A Dominant Woman

· June 5, 2008 · Thoughts · · 38 Comments

I’m sure you can tell from this blog that I’m an expert at finding many dominant women to play with. I offer some advice on how to talk to and appeal to a woman:

Wrong way: Nice feet, they’d look better in my mouth.
Proper way: Is that toenail polish flavored? Wait, don’t tell me…I’ll check right now.

See? Women like it when you ask them questions. It shows you’re interested.

Wrong way: Is there anything I can do for you?
Proper way: Is there anything I can pay someone to do for you?

This let’s her know that you’ve got money. Lots of it. Women love guys with money.

Wrong way: That’s a very lovely whip. Would you like to use it on me sometime?
Proper way: Oh no! Is that a whip? Please don’t use it on me, please no, anything but that!

Two words: Reverse Psychology

Wrong way: Boy this party sure is fun.
Proper way: This party would be so much better if they had free Old Milwaukee.

It shows her you’re classy. A man of the world. If the party you’re at happens to have Old Milwaukee, ask for it shaken not stirred. It’ll make her think you’re 007.

Wrong way: Do you find it difficult to meet someone in the lifestyle?
Proper way: Wow, I’m so busy playing with so many people. It’s nuts. Do me a favor, if (insert movie star name here) walks in can you act like I’m with you so she doesn’t hit on me?

If a woman knows you’re desired by other women, then she’ll desire you. It’s more convincing if carry around autographed photos of your chosen movie star. Bonus points if the autograph says “Thanks for the incredible time, you’re the best sexual partner I’ve ever had, please marry me. Love, Kate Beckinsale”

Wrong way: Perhaps you know me from my blog….
Proper way: Perhaps you’ve heard of me. I discovered penicillin.

This shows her that you’re smart AND successful. Just hope that she doesn’t know who really discovered penicillin or you’ll have to introduce yourself as Sir Alexander Fleming.

There you go! If you’ve been reading my blog and wondering how it is I’m so popular with the ladies, you now know my secret.

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