Failure
Not really failure, but the fear of failure.
Fear of failure is what’s kept me from doing many things in life.
Multiple failures in small tests kept me from taking the big tests, kept me from going on stage or from taking big risks. I’m brave in many ways but in other ways I’m a big coward.
Up until a few years ago, the only thing I wasn’t afraid of was love. I’ve risked everything a number of times for love.
I went all in a few times. Every time I did I’d lose in the end but always had something left over, except for that last time. That last bet left me with nothing. I’m still paying for it in many ways.
Failure still freezes me in my tracks. Asking someone out still does it. Every now and then I’ll be brave enough to approach a woman but the fear is still there. Even sending an email scares the crap out of me. The fear makes the the part of me a woman would actually be attracted to hide under a rock. Her answer usually justifies my fear.
A friend once expressed interest in playing with me. I told her I was eager to and to let me know when. I haven’t heard anything on the subject since and don’t want to be pushy, so I wait. If I did push it may ruin the opportunity. I try to hint now and then but that’s the extent of it.
It’s why I don’t make the first move. Rejection and failure bring back so many bad memories that I try to forget. Thankfully there are women out there that do make the first move.
Recently I was presented with a service opportunity. I’ve been looking forward to it for along time but a task has been added that I’m probably going to fail despite weeks of preparation. Part of me wants to cancel. To save myself from disappointing someone would canceling be more of a disappointment? If I did fail and my failure resulted in my tears, would that experience be worse than no experience at all?
When I was younger I was bucked off by one of the horses on our farm. I was knocked unconscious and kicked. I never did get back on the horse. I lived on a farm with horses and I never rode one again. It’s not that I’m afraid of horses, I just never trusted one again.
In that respect, horses are like women. It just took getting bucked off more than once to lose my trust in women.
Would I like a relationship one day? I like the idea of it. Maybe someday. It’s a gamble and I just don’t have anything to bet with right now.
I need to learn to ignore my fear or conquer it. Living with it isn’t doing the trick.
Maybe I’m not a masochist after all.
