Guess What? That Exotic Dancer Want’s Money

She was one of the few people I actually met from Alt.com.

I sent her an email months earlier. She confessed that she only replied out of boredom and that I looked better than most guys who replied to her ad.

I could have told you that it wouldn’t have worked out before we even met. It was one word that tipped it off to me: SUCCESSFUL

I do consider myself successful. Granted, my definition isn’t the same as women who write ads on Alt.com.

Why do I consider myself successful? Well, I have a job, lots of friends I love and they love me. What else is there right?

I know I know. I’m kinda lying to myself on this one.

Anyway, we met downtown at a restaurant she picked. Not an expensive place (the true litmus test for someone only looking for a guy with money) and not a place one would consider a woman would test to see if the guy flinched at the bill or not.

She asked what I did for a living, she was interested in my previous career and mentioned how she was an exotic dancer putting herself through college. I didn’t flinch and she seemed relieved that I had no problems with it.

We talked, she seemed nice. She confessed that she was looking to move in with a submissive man in the city (she lived in Jersey) and was visibly upset when she learned I lived in Harlem.

Obviously my idea of success wasn’t hers.

She thanked me for lunch, mentioned that she needed to go and hoped we would meet again soon.

Two days later I sent her a text asking if she wanted to meet for drinks and she sent back something along the lines of:

“You’re attractive, smart, sincere and eager to please. I want someone attractive, smart, sincere, eager to please and can take care of me financially.”

In hindsight, it’s one of the nicest ways has let me down.

The fact that she was an erotic dancer has nothing to do with the story really, I’ve seen the “successful” line from more women who weren’t exotic dancers than those who are.

Now that I think of it. Did I lead her on? Am I the one to blame here because I had a feeling she wanted a guy with money and still I replied to her ad?

12 Comments

I don’t think you did anything wrong, and I don’t get the sense she felt you were leading her on. It doesn’t seem like either of you felt wronged or hurt. But could you save yourself dinners in the future by not replying to ads that might not be good matches for you? Yes, of course.

I’ve seen ‘successful’ bandied about by both sexes. I sometimes look through w4m ads on CL just to see what other girls post, and I’m pretty sure most of the girls who want a successful man mean ‘buy me things’.
When I get responses to MY ads, specifically my ads looking for casual sex with pretty, scrawny underfed boys, I’ve noticed that the farther away from what I describe I’m looking for a man is, the more likely the word successful is going to pop up in the email they send me, often along with what sort of job they work in or where they went to school. Yes, Mr. Banker, its nice you went to NYU, but you’re older than my father, you’re asking me to pee on you instead of do you up the butt, and you’re the opposite of the pale skinny white boys I like.
Because obviously affections can be bought, and, and successful seems to have become the new keyword for ‘I have money, please do me’.

Which sucks. I like your definition better.

not a place one would consider a woman would test to see if the guy flinched at the bill or not.

Women do that? Eww. Seriously. If I go out on a first date with someone, I _always_ expect to be covering my half of the check. Then again “ability to buy me things” is so not a priority for me when it comes to dating. I’d never say “successful” in a personal ad, but I might say “ambitious,” and what I’d mean by it would be “Someone who has something that they’re passionate about and is working towards achieving it” … even if “it” is “becoming the most famous ice sculptor in the Midwest.”

Rona – yeah, women do that. I had this friend, back in the day, who used to pull that shit all the time. She was a shallow, shallow girl.

i dont know how to answer this. ideally, i want a guy who can take care of me. not because i want a guy who can spoil me and buy me expensive things, but because i am looking for someone to settle down with and eventually start a family and would at least like the option to stay home and raise the little buggers. so i dont really consider it a golddigger kind of thing, just somebody who can provide for his family.

but no, i dont think you were wrong to answer the ad. ive put up a million ads and met a million guys and they all fit the profile except for one thing. the thing changes each time, but theres always something missing. but what i describe in the ad is the ideal. this is very much not an ideal world though.

i dont know. i got 3 hours sleep and im killing time till my vacation starts. cut me some slack.

You know, I often ask men whether they feel successful (not whether they are). There is something confident, and therefore sexy, about a man who feels that his life is going well, including in terms of his career. It is not often a financial thing, although I’m sure that for some, that is the essential characteristic of feeling successful. A man who feels like he has failed in life is not often attractive, to be honest.

On the other hand, the last thing I want is for a man to support me financially. I’ve worked hard to achieve my own success (by my own definition), and I’m very proud of it. I want someone who can keep up with me.

Definitely not wrong to answer the ad.

hmm sounds like she has it pretty together, knows she’s not going to be happy w/o the big place in the “right place” and said so. It would be a lot worse if she tried to turn you into that ideal. Still, you could have been wrong or she might have been willing to compromise. It’s hard to tell from an ad really. I’d say if the person seems interesting give it a chance. You’ve got to eat anyway right? 😉

Axe, I’m not sure if you’ve seen this yet, but your story reminded me of this exchange. http://www.snopes.com/love/dating/golddigger.asp

And FWIW, my favorite pickup line to use for women (dominant or vanilla) in any setting is – “Hi.”

That of course is after making eye contact, and doing the wackadeedoo mating dance – the one where I am sure to show off my plumage… but that all went without saying.

I have a trail of former relationships. Those that married very successful and decent men, primarily for financial security, now call and even show up at my door step wanting to “talk”. It is my experience, their once perceived need for financial security turned the remainder of their life into a cell of milk toasty mediocrity.

That’s no way to live!

Axe, you realize that she did you a huge favor, right? By being honest with you right form the start about what she wanted, she avoided six months of semi-expensive dinners, lunches, and birthday presents before she left you for a young broker.

speaking as a widow with two small kids , I simply donot need a man that is not secure be it financialy , mentaly or emotionaly. Many people feel this way not just women.the important thing is that money is not the main reason for them being with you even if it is a factor.

yeah, never answer women’s ads that say they want someone “successful.” seriously. look for the quirky ones that talk about mutual interests or make you laugh. even i, wanting a “successful” guy, would never, ever say so in an online ad. it’s not necessary to spell it out if you know what else to look for. and, as someone who has dated my share of millionaires, they don’t respond to that kind of language, unless they are the lame sort you find on shows like “millionaire matchmaker.” that said, the commenter above who said that ambition is more important is right. that’s what i look for.

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