I’m Submissive, Not A Doormat

I sometimes find myself needing to defend my masculinity.

Now and then I’ll come upon a situation where someone misunderstands my submission as something….hmm…less than manly.

I remember having drinks with someone, a guy friend..ok a guy acquaintance who had no idea that I was into BDSM. Somehow the subject of kinky women came up and how he once dated a woman who wanted to spank him and he thought she was a freak.

“Hell, if a woman wanted to do that to me, I’d let her” I grinned.

“What?” he shouted as though he was in disbelief that I was actually a guy.

“Sure I would, if she got off on that, why not? (I was downplaying how much I actually wanted it from a woman) I love it when a woman takes control”.

He started to go on, poking fun a bit that it was clear I was into that sort of thing. Not in a fun way but in a I’m-a-bigger-man-because-I-don’t-let-a-woman-take-control sort of way.

It may have been the beers, but I looked at him with a dead stare and said something along the lines of “I’ve done down on women you could only dream of giving you the time of day”. I should have added “you boring vanilla fuck”.

The conversation quickly changed. I don’t think we ever hung out again.

This idea that submissive men aren’t real men comes up from time to time.

As if I don’t initiate sex.

As if I can’t fuck, I can only be fucked.

There’s a group of married guys I hang out with from work. Good guys, I’d call them friends. Sometimes I am tempted to tell them all about myself but something always prevents me.

A little over a year ago I had a bite mark on my arm. They made a few comments while we were having beers. They made a few jokes about it. I wanted to shut them up so I raised my shirt to show them a few other marks. Their mouths dropped and I said something like:

“I slept with an amazingly aggressive woman last night, we both came until we passed out. Maybe next month when you can convince your wives to have sex with you, you’ll hope she does the same”.

Ok maybe it wasn’t that mean. Whatever I did say, they shut up about it and now I feel they’re living vicariously through me since I’m the single guy with all the female friends.

I can only tell you that I feel more masculine after submitting like that. It makes me feel stronger not weaker. I don’t know why it makes me feel stronger but it does. If anything it makes me feel weaker when it’s not there.

33 Comments

The times I’ve really submitted I have definitely felt stronger AND more feminine afterwards. What submitting can do is help you see who you really are. I think it breaks you down to your simplest parts. And it can really help those parts shine. And dominating someone can help a submissive person see who he/she really is, perhaps. For me, this exchange of power is, in a way, about being nurtured and nurturing. Heh. Maybe I’m too nice to be a domme. We’ll see…

Playing (in this context) makes me feel strangely non-gendered, it’s almost as though crossing the power dynamic/behavior lines of social acceptability puts me into a mental state of all sorts of social acceptability line-crossings. Gender is on my mind all the time anyway, so it’s as though crossing that line of what’s sexually acceptable makes me feel less gendered because the context of gender (sex) is being so seriously fucked with. I end up with a general sense of deviance, non-femininity, non-masculinity, just a whole bunch of sexual energy and exploration (added to this gender-position-confusion is the fact that I love pegging guys more than I like most things in life). I think that’s part of why I like this kind of play – it takes me so far from the definitions of things that I am better able to examine and analyze myself as a person rather than as a woman/girl/etc.

I also hate to admit that I feel really smug when I talk to vanilla people (I am referring to people that hold the belief that sex happens in very specific and particular ways and that any sex that falls outside those specified acts is wrong, weird, and not something they’d ever consider trying. To me, vanilla is a mindset/personality, not a set of sexual practices) about sex. I know I’m having better sex than they are. While they judge me and call me a freak or mentally ill, I get to have 10+ orgasms in a single sex session. Who really gets the better end of that deal?

-I can only tell you that I feel more masculine after submitting like that. It makes me feel stronger not weaker. I don’t know why it makes me feel stronger but it does.-

This jumped out at me and the reason why it could make you feel stronger is because you’re not bullshitting yourself. You’re being honest with yourself and have embraced you. Strength comes from confidence which comes from acceptance.

And damn that’s sexy.

Jane- I don’t think there’s a rule that says you need to be mean to be dominant.:)

Estra- I know what you mean about feeling smug. Sometimes I do feel sorry for vanillas….but many times I’m jealous.

Jenn- I hope it’s sexy. Though I don’t always have the confidence part down.

You’re right, there are a million stereotypes about submissive men out there, and they don’t have the cachet that doms of either sex, or female submissives do. All you can really do is be grateful that you are an articulate, thoughtful voice with a chance to change some people’s minds.

I admire the way you handled those situations. You obviously have a firm grip on the idea that its the way you tenaciously pursue your desires and ideals that requires and demonstrates your strength, not what your particular desires happen to be. Hold onto that thought when faced with this sort of ignorance.

MMmm…. I followed your comment here, and found this delightful post of yours. I personally prefer strong, straight masculine submissives to any other sort. It take much more for them to bend to My will then any other sort. I like to earn that as well by trust, intelligence and humor. Well.. alright.. and a somewhat wicked mindset. I love to know what they want most, and find a way to twist it just a wee bit in a way that is unexpected.

And yes.. it DOES make you stronger… it take more to bend to then simply stand. And. that you have looked inside yourself and you know who you are, and what you like.

As I say in My return comment to you on Myne own page.. don’t give up.. keep looking…. it takes time to find the right match.

All My Best to a very yummmy you,
Mystress

hello,

i’m a first time reader, following an array of back links until coming across this post. reading thoughts suchs as yours and Mystress & paladin provides some amazing insight.

i have to admit, even though i am a submissive myself, my own thoughts on submissive men have mirrored your “friends”. even though i’ve been in/out of the bdsm realm for 10+ years, i am woefully naive and uninformed in this area apparently.

whereas before i thought there were none. now there are now two submissive men who i feel are confident, sexy, hot and most definitely masculine.

it’s all about a learning experience. thank you for the enlightenment! =)

hugs, elle

Again, a post that’s right on. It seems that most vanilla guys who are not one bit kinky (or so some would have you believe) will react in a very defensive way when told that one of their friends could be into anything different than being a “macho” “dominant” male. Anything that deviates from that is labelled as weak or feminine.I stopped talking about my kink to those types long ago. No use.
So once more I spanked, or voted for, this post on fetspank.com.

On the same subject, have you read bitchyjone’s post entitled “My Hero?
That one is also on fetspank and I believe you will really enjoy it!

Chris

Hi, was searching and found your blog. Needing some direction. Have recently met an incredible man that I’m totally into. He’s a sub and looking for an owner. I have no experience tho have dabbled lightly in alternative play. But was coming at it from a sub position myself. I’m a dominant woman tho so I could probably get into having him submissive to me. He’s not into pain. Just a strong guy that needs to unwind and this is his path. Any suggestions for me for reading to understand what he desires? Articles, books, blogs, or just personal insight?

Thanks and happy holidays,
Marcy

I take mostly lessons from good profi dom and I can say I feel I am the person who rules. Sometimes is problem with some sensitive dominatrix – she feel I am OK and enjoying lesson. I really have no explanation for it. And yes, after lesson I feell like on heroin.

Lots of Fantastic information in your posting, I bookmarked your site so I can visit again in the future, Cheers, Rossie Roadcap

Real Women online here to please you. With so many different sites out there give this one a try.Live

Interesting post, and some wonderful replies. While I was still vanilla, and even while I started my foray into kink, I thought a lot of things were a little too freaky(at least for me, subjective remember). Keeping an open mind let’s you come to terms with a lot of interesting possibilities.

While I’m not submissive It’s always interesting to see the confidant, powerful people (Men & Women) who find a release and satisfaction from handing over control to another(s) for even a short time. It doesn’t make them ‘less’ than others, it merely shows their capacity for accepting who they are while meeting their own needs.

tattoos male,

I don’t go out of my way to tell anyone what I get up to in private, but equally I don’t give a toss for their opinions anyway. In some ways I’m even more experimental than the average submissive because we often have threesomes with a male school friend of mine and the double wamy dominance is electric. I agree that dominance and submission is much more than being male and female it’s about energy. A powerful session puts something back into the universe. I certainly don’t feel 2nd class because I’m a submissive male. Quite the reverse.

You caan certainly ssee your skills within the work you write.
The world hopes for even more passionate writers
such as youu who aren’t afraid to mention how they believe.
Always follow your heart.

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