She and I were lying in bed.
I believe we somehow got on the subject of switching, I commented on how I had only done it a couple of times but only when I knew it’s what the other person wanted, I was doing it to please more than anything else and could never be sadistic.
“…never be sadistic”.
I think she took this as a challenge.
She moved her arm to my mouth and told me to bite her.
I took a nibble
“No, really bite it…HARD”
“I’m going to leave my hand here until you do it. Now do it”
“No..c’mon REALLY do it”.
I really did it.
My teeth were sunk into her skin for only a few seconds but I know it hurt her.
The second my teeth came out of her arm I could feel tears welling up, it was hard to hurt her.
“Ok so you’re not a sadist” she laughed. She said she was happy that I did that for her. She was glad that I did it. She was glad that I did something that was uncomfortable and difficult.
Then she held me.
Now, because of my fear, I’m hurting her in another way, but she didn’t ask for it this time. It makes my eyes water again to know I’m doing it.
We’re “winding down now” to use her words.
She says the right time is just as important as the right person. I know she’s the right person, but it’s the wrong time.
I’ve shown her parts of myself that no one else has seen. It made me feel more comfortable and more scared.
The bigger the prize, the more I have to lose. I’m working on that.
Right now, if I gave her more and it didn’t work out, there wouldn’t be anything left.
She knows all of this, she’s frustrated with me and so am I.
I’ll never, ever be able repay her for all that I’ve learned from her or will learn.
I can only hope that she stays in my life one way or another.