An email I just got from someone on collarme. I actually had my hopes up with her for a while there:

“This is probably going to add to your jadedness but I am actually doing you a kindness by letting you go before your expectations set in. Metaphorically speaking, the fact is that I am looking for an orange while you are an apple – nothing wrong with being one but it is just not what I am searching for (please believe me when I say that there was absolutely no solecism on your part and I hope you won’t waste time and effort in secondguessing yourself to figure out if there was something that you could have done differently – I think on some level you probably agree with me). So let us part amicably and goodluck with your own search.

It’s far too late to tell me not to waste my time and effort.

They always want the orange.

I’m Not A Man. Wait, What?

A big thanks to Funkybrownchick for writing about how she likes submissive men. Granted she only likes submissive men to be “slightly” submissive (she doesn’t want to hurt them) but it’s still nice to know there are women out there who can see a submissive man as someone who’s still a man. I’ve started to ponder what the difference is between a submissive guy and a slightly submissive guy. That’s for another post.

It’s been something like four months since I’ve been intimate with anyone. The last woman I was with set the bar pretty high so it’s not like I don’t have some wonderful memories. Still…it would be nice not to miss her. It would be nice to meet a distraction or someone to fill the void.

After hearing about a number of my kinky female friends meeting open minded people on, I decided to revisit my account. I’ve sent a few emails but most of them are replied by submissive women.

On the bright side, at least I do get email replies on Okcupid. Even though most aren’t exactly ego boosting.

Here’s one reply I received:

“I read your profile and i’m kinda confused,i’ve never met someone who admits that he want a dominant woman,i thought that man wants to be man. in my past relationships my partners were the dominant ones,but maybe that was the problem:)but i’m dominant at work so i need balance in my life.”

“Have you tried to be a dominant person in a relationship or you alwys were the submissive?In my opinion every normal woman wants to be the submissive in a relationship.”

Yeesh I don’t even know how to respond to that one. I just sat there reading it over and over with my mouth open.

I’ve also opened up a free account on There is one catch though, you can’t even read your emails unless you pay. That’s how they get you.

I’ve got a number of emails from women just sitting in my inbox and I can’t read them. What if they’re from the Domme of my dreams? Of course each email lets you see who the email is from and wouldn’t you know they’re all fetish models.

They also claim to have a “hook up guarantee”. If you don’t “hook up” with someone after three months, you’ll get three months free. I can’t seem to find what they consider a hook up though. I’m looking and looking and can’t seem to find the fine print on this deal.

It can’t be any worse than adultfriendfinder, collarme or alt. At least the women on OKcupid will email back.

Rejection is sometimes better than being ignored.


Not As Desperate As I Once Was

It’s kinda lame when I think back at how desperate I used to be.

I used to spend hours every night browsing alt, craigslist, collarme. Hours and hours lost that I’ll never get back.

Here are a few things I used to do that I’ve stopped doing as of this past winter.

-I had an alert that would pop up on my desktop every time a dominant woman would post an ad on craigslist.

-I’d agree to meet any dominant woman, even if I knew she was only looking for money. I’d hope that I’d be good enough to make her reconsider.

-I’d post an ad almost every other day on craigslist and reply to every one I could find in NY and NJ. (I had to make a separate email account due to the massive number of spam emails I’d get).

-I’d log onto collarme every morning, lunch-break and night to see if any new dominant women had signed up for the service so I could be one of the first to email her.

-I would rent a car or take a train to travel hours just to meet someone for the first time (usually only to turn around and leave shortly after meeting them or being stood-up by them).

-I paid the big-bucks for a gold membership on alt with all the bells and whistle, knowing that there are some women who won’t even blink at a guy unless he’s paid for the expensive membership (one woman said “It’s how I can tell he’s serious”).

So now. Not so much. I know why I’m not so desperate too. I met someone who changed my perception entirely. She had never even heard of collarme. She hadn’t even searched for it because she didn’t need to. Any guy would submit to her.

I realized that there are more dominant women who never go on alt, collarme or craigslist. Sure, some do, but most don’t. Why spend hours on those websites when most aren’t even there?

Maybe I’ve just accepted the fact that there’s really not much one can do. Just try and relax, enjoy your time with your friends, make some new ones and hope for the best.

I still show my desperate side now and then but for the most part…it’s just me being really really eager.

Pro-Dommes: Good Or Bad?

Ah, here’s a touchy one.

I do have a few friends who are, or were Pro-Dommes so my thoughts on this may be a bit skewed due to my adoration of them.

I know many people in the lifestyle who have nothing but hatred for Pros. I’m not one of them. In fact, I am very grateful that lifestyle pros exist.

After all, if a guy out there just needs a kinky fix and will go to a Pro, that’s one less guy that I’m competing with out in the real world. Pros thin the herd. They help remove the guys that would otherwise be standing in my way of meeting someone.

Also, what if some woman sees an image of a Pro and is inspired to become a lifestyle Domme because the idea turns her on? It could happen!

I think the reason is because there are many different types of people who will dominate for money and some of these other kinds get mislabeled as a Pro-Domme.

There’s the woman who will lead a guy on, try to make him think she wants a relationship but he needs to prove his submission to her by giving her a tribute. I fell for this a couple of times when I first moved to NYC. My desire to serve blinded me into thinking that she really was interested in me, this was just the best way to separate myself from the phonies. Yeah…not smart. I’m ashamed to say I fell for it three times (and lost around $600) before my credit card helped me see the light.

There are unscrupulous Pro-Dommes out there of course.

Ugh…I can still remember a very painful memory of how I was tricked by one. Well, I was stupid and naive so that doesn’t help either.

Just after I moved to the city I found a Domme on Collarme who was very interested in me. After a week or so she wanted to meet. She wanted to meet me at a dungeon she likes to take her subs to, I would be required to pay the $100 “rent” for the dungeon. I told her I wasn’t interested in Pros and she assured me that she was wanted me as her personal slave but this was just the way that she went about meeting her potential subs. It was the interview process.

I arrived and quickly realized it was a dungeon filled with Pros but I decided to go along with it, after all, maybe she was the real deal.

We went to her room and she had me kneel. We talked for a few minutes then she had me strip and she bound me to a spreader-bar hanging from the ceiling. She didn’t want to know anything about me really. I could almost tell that this wasn’t personal for her in any way. She toyed with me for a few minutes and after she was done she told me that she still wasn’t sure about me. I would have to come back at least four more times and bring $250 each time if I wanted to be considered.

As the door on the elevator to the dungeon closed behind me, I began to cry.

She knew I didn’t have that kind of money, yet she told me if I really wanted to be her slave I would find a way.

How is it that I’m not filled with hatred for everyone who charges after that? I don’t know. Probably because I do know of a few who are honorable the way they do it. I don’t mix them in with the bad ones.

Here’s the other thing, I like knowing it’s there for me as an option. While I can’t imagine going to one, I like knowing that someday (maybe soon) it may be the only way for me to experience it.

I’ve spent thousands of dollars (debt) going on countless dates that don’t go past the expensive dinner, attended many events and paid for memberships to dating sites that haven’t yielded anything more than a handshake. Rather than feeling empty after doing all of that, wouldn’t it be better if I felt empty after experiencing some play? It would probably cost less in the long run.

Just like anything else there are good people and bad people. Good presidents and bad presidents. Good mechanics and bad mechanics. Good Pro-Dommes and bad Pro-Dommes.

I’m grateful for the good ones.

Fighting The Dominatrix Stereotype

One of my best friends said something to me that made me even more frustrated with the stereotype of a dominant woman. We were talking about how she was coping with her relationship with her submissive coming to an end. She was understandably upset about it and was questioning herself and her desire to be in a D/s relationship. When acknowledged her disappointment and sadness she said “It’s not very Domme-like is it?”

I tried to explain to her that just because she’s dominant, doesn’t mean she won’t second guess or feel down like everyone else. She’s human after all. She an incredibly powerful, smart woman and an amazing Domme, but even superman has kryptonite.

This may be one reason why so many women don’t feel comfortable showing their dominant side. They believe that they need to fit into some mold of a Dominatrix, always confident, always sexual and always “acting” dominant.

Here are just a few reasons why some dominants have told me they sometimes feel less of a Domme.

1: She didn’t feel comfortable yelling at a man.

I’ve played with a decent number (yet still far too small) of dominant women and I can’t remember being yelled at once. The only time I’ve ever seen a Domme yell is in BDSM movies. A whisper is more powerful than a yell in my book.

2: She didn’t want to have to be the one who does all of the work when it comes to sex.

I’ll grant you that when it comes to some forms of play, the submissive does do less “work” (nice work if you can get it), but when it comes to actual sex, I find that I’m the one that is encouraged to be a human fucking machine, not her.

3: She didn’t like to cause a great deal of pain.

As someone who identifies as a masochist, I can say that, while I enjoy being ripped apart, beaten and left as a shivering puddle of flesh on the floor (ok that hasn’t happened yet but fingers crossed for someday) it’s 1/10000th of the possibilities out there. Just because she wasn’t a sadist doesn’t mean she wasn’t a good dominant.

4: She wanted a man for a boyfriend, not a doormat.

This comes down to the submissive and how their submission manifests itself, some may be prone to acting like a doormat. Mine gives me strength. I feel more powerful when I know I’ve pleased either through service or sexually. If I’ve made her cum a record number of times using only my mouth and sacrificed (sacrificed isn’t the best word, but I’m kinda sleepy as I write this) my own pleasure for hers, I feel taken, used and…more masculine. The same goes for the rare occasion I get a really heavy beating, I feel stronger knowing I could take it for her.

5: She just felt like cuddling.

I’m a cuddle whore…give me your best shot….please.

6. She felt uncomfortable humiliating a man.

I’m at a loss on this one. I’ve never been humiliated in the context of play (plenty of times when falling for some phony on collarme or alt however) and haven’t felt the need to explore it nor have I ever been with anyone who enjoyed it.

7: She had a hard day and needed a good cry.

Again, the idea that a dominant woman is impervious to feeling blue is insane. I’ve tried to talk friends through this feeling in the past and it’s a difficult one to combat since it battles some crazy caricature.

I still don’t have a good logical explanation for it. For me it’s obvious but I lack a good way to comfort someone in this situation.

How do you explain to a dominant that just because she may have been tricked by a submissive or had her heart broken by one, it doesn’t make her less of a good dominant?