I’ve always had great emails from readers. I normally try to tackle these myself but this one might be a bit out of my experience level. I asked if it was cool for me to publish her email (removing all identifying information of course) in hopes that some of you may have a few ideas for her.
Feel free to leave any advice you have for her in the comments. If you’d rather keep your advice private you can email me and I’ll forward it on to her. I’ll include the little bit of advice I gave her after email:
I came aware of your blog about a week ago. I was conducting a web search via google to find out what submissive men really want. I can’t remember the exact search title, and I am sorry about that because it could have given me a point of reference. One of your friends who you had talked to about being a submissive had written a blog, herself, about why that’s not entirely attractive to her.
My boyfriend of four years has recently expressed to me that he wants to be submissive when he is with me. I have taken it to the next level and asked him if it turns him on to do housework in his underwear with his sexual parts out for me to look at as he does these things. He says that this excites him, and knowing that, after three years of having semi-regular sex, it was like some kind of huge revelation for me.
Every weird little thing from before became clear, and the whole relationship made sense to me once he felt the courage to express his submissive side to me.
I’m writing to you in order to ask not questions about what it means for you to be submissive to a female, but questions about what you would like. This man I am dating is not very verbose or articulate. He’s sweet, but he’s horrendously shy. I knew him for ten years before we started dating, and even then, he was so incredibly quiet. I want to know what kinds of games and things might be interesting to engage him in.
I have told him that I would love to watch him clean my house and scrub my sink and vaccuum my floor – and even go through my things that I need to get rid of, folding the stuff I want to keep and organizing it for me, and placing into a bag the things that I do not want. I want to have him do all of this wearing underpants, but with his, for lack of an easier word, cock and balls pulled out so that I can look at them. For me, it’s not only exciting that he wants to help me with housework and tasks I’d rather not do myself… it’s even more exciting that he naturally sexualizes it. I want to know what other kinds of games and ideas I can engage with him when he’s done doing the tidying up. I wish that I could express to you something beyond gratitude that you might respond to this message.
See, I’ve been dating him for four years now, and it is only this last year where he has told me that he likes this stuff. I’ve been reading up on what it is to be a dominant, and looking back on the entire relationship, I’ve always told him what I wanted him to do. I never knew that he really craved or needed direction, I never knew that he was a sub until he said it. I think he was afraid to tell me for the longest time, and once he finally did, as I mentioned before, a whole world has opened up in my mind and heart and soul.
I don’t want to disappoint him, or myself, by not being able to step into the role or Own the role of a Dominant Woman. I want to know what you think would be sufficient discipline for you – I want to know if you have any ideas of “fun” punishments. I’ve been reading your blogs and going back and back, looking at all of the hot images you’ve copied and pasted of fashion reflecting the beauty and the wonder of Dominance and Submission… and I don’t feel particularly lost, but could use a little help. Also it seems evident that you deserve to be appreciated for what you want to give. I wish you the very best in that.
The idea that this man who I have loved since I met him has had in him this impulse and desire to serve, and that it took him four years to tell me about it, makes me sad. I think submissive men are very sexy, completely inspiring, and too incredibly rare. I think you and that people like you would be a lot more prevalent if this society would open up just a little to you. If he could have trusted me sooner, we may have gotten further before.
Any way that you can help would be greatly appreciated – by advice, especially.
Thank you so much for the kind words.
It’s difficult to say or to give you ideas since what turns your boyfriend on may not be the same things that turn me on. The important thing (if your boyfriend is anything like me) is to remember that what turns YOU on is what’s most important. I imagine he’s quiet about this because he doesn’t want to impose his desires on you, he wants you to impose your desires upon him.
Your boyfriend is very brave for telling you this. I know it’s hard but you’ll need to be brave in telling him what you want as well. Figure out what really turns you on or makes you melt in this context.
Sometimes the little things are the best. It depends on where your interests and his interests lay. From what I gather, it sounds like you may be more into D/s aspects than the hardcore kinky stuff (nothing wrong with either).
A few ideas:
-If you’re watching tv wiht him, make him sit on the floor, perhaps between your knees and put your hand on his head while doing so, almost petting him. I experienced this once and it made me melt.
-Have him do things to serve you when you’re not around. Have him write you a daily or weekly journal about his thoughts.
-There are plenty of kink checklists out there, many have hundreds of questions listed. Have him fill one out and compare his desires with yours. He probably won’t feel so shy about expressing his needs that way.
There’s lots more of course but I think it’s important for you not to feel like you need to put on a different persona. I can only guess but it make sense that he want’s to submit to you and not some caricature.
So dear readers, do you have any advice for her? Any ideas or thoughts on how to help them out?